Joke Thread!

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B18Ch1ck
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Joke Thread!

Postby B18Ch1ck » May 22nd, 2013, 2:16 pm

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband to, ‘Please be gentle; I’m still a virgin.’

‘What?’ said the puzzled groom.

‘How can that be possible if you’ve been married ten times?’

‘Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he just kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he’d look into it and get back with me...

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it. .

Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was…

God, I miss him!

But now that I’ve married you, I’m so excited!’

‘Wonderful’, said the husband, ‘but why?’

To which she replied,

‘You’re with the ‘GOVERNMENT...’ This time I KNOW I’M gonna get SCREWED.’
Former owner of a Quartz Silver 1987 LS, "Silver Slowness"
September 2008: G1Teg of the Month
May 2011: Car Pornography

https://www.facebook.com/AcuraIntegras

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evtsteward
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Re: Joke Thread!

Postby evtsteward » May 22nd, 2013, 3:26 pm

Wow! Someone cares enough that we have the joke thread back up on this site? Thanks Ami. :D
Robert, that crazy guy with all the tegs!
Always an honor to be quoted.-B18Ch1ck
The great ships hung in the air in much
the same way bricks don't.-Douglas Adams

The value of life can be measured by how many
times your soul has been deeply stirred.-Soichiro Honda

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g1_teg_lover
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Re: Joke Thread!

Postby g1_teg_lover » May 23rd, 2013, 3:58 am

Lmfao. That was a good joke

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B18Ch1ck
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Location: Virginia

Re: Joke Thread!

Postby B18Ch1ck » May 23rd, 2013, 8:19 pm

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.
Former owner of a Quartz Silver 1987 LS, "Silver Slowness"
September 2008: G1Teg of the Month
May 2011: Car Pornography

https://www.facebook.com/AcuraIntegras

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g1_teg_lover
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Re: Joke Thread!

Postby g1_teg_lover » May 23rd, 2013, 8:44 pm

Lol

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Mr NW Classic
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Re: Joke Thread!

Postby Mr NW Classic » May 27th, 2013, 12:52 am

Yo momma... :lol:
"Your one stop shop for pre-1988 Honda/Acura parts"
206-940-8173 :D

72-87 Civic
84-87 CRX
86-89 Integra
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247christian
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Re: Joke Thread!

Postby 247christian » May 29th, 2013, 6:13 am

Both are really good ones! :lol: :lol: :lol:

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evtsteward
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Re: Joke Thread!

Postby evtsteward » June 13th, 2013, 7:06 pm

A gentleman was on an extended walking tour of England.
It was another nice early evening when he happened upon a
long deserted road leading slightly uphill to a dimly lit
rustic inn. Pacing himself he strode up the hill, past
the goats and sheep grazing peacefully behind a well worn
cedar fence and up to a massive oak door with a hand
worn welcome sign at the entrance to the hilltop lodge.
After shutting door behind him made his way to a huge
slab of pine that made up all of the bar and its
barstools. A moment later the proprietor stepped over and
filled the man’s’ request of a cold pint and a room for
the night. "The inn is all but vacant tonight so you can
have your choice of rooms, but, let me ask you something,
if you've a mind to talk? Did you notice that fence on
the way up the knoll? Well, that's a bit of my handiwork.
Yes sir, I hand sawed every last length and hand split
that as fine as I could. Let me tell you the labor of
love I threw into it. Now you'd think the folks around
here would have taken notice of my handiwork and called
me quite the fence builder but, no, no one’s ever
mentioned it." Taking a moment to muse what the barkeep
had said the guest thought it better to take a swig of
his pint. The barman continued, "You did notice the oak
door that is hung at the entrance to fine establishment?
Well that is another of my pride and joys. I found that
by the side to the river and spent many a moon hand
sawing and planed the dozens of pieces that make up the
door and another month or so fitting it just so. Notice
how easily the door swing open and shut, though it weighs
a lot? It's one of masterpieces you know? You'd think the
locals here would say something regarding my
craftsmanship building and installing that door wouldn't
you, but no, no one’s mentioned a thing about me being a
fine door smith." to which the traveler could only take
the moment to sip a little more on his pint. "So, you've
been kind enough to listen to my stories like the true
gentleman that you are but, you have noticed the bar and
bar stools that adorn this place, haven't you? Well,
that's another great achievement that I'm very proud of.
I had to unbury this huge log by pick and spade, then
chop and saw and chisel all the lovely pieces that make
up every bit of this beautiful bar and sturdy stools,
every bit of it hand worked and fitted. You'd think some
folk would appreciate the work I've done with it and call
me a great furniture builder but, no, sadly no one has
uttered a word in that regard.” Again, the wanderer took
pause to gulp down some of the last of his pint. "But,
let me tell you what they do think! All you have to do is
fuck one goat in your life!"
************* As retold from an interview with Sir Paul McCartney.
Robert, that crazy guy with all the tegs!
Always an honor to be quoted.-B18Ch1ck
The great ships hung in the air in much
the same way bricks don't.-Douglas Adams

The value of life can be measured by how many
times your soul has been deeply stirred.-Soichiro Honda

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evtsteward
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Re: Joke Thread!

Postby evtsteward » June 26th, 2013, 2:13 pm

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
...
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"
Robert, that crazy guy with all the tegs!
Always an honor to be quoted.-B18Ch1ck
The great ships hung in the air in much
the same way bricks don't.-Douglas Adams

The value of life can be measured by how many
times your soul has been deeply stirred.-Soichiro Honda

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Miketakeahike
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Re: Joke Thread!

Postby Miketakeahike » June 26th, 2013, 5:18 pm

Why is 6 (Six) scared of 7 (Seven)?

Because 7 (Seven) 8( "ate") 9(nine)...

------------------------------------------------

A brunette and a blond was out Walking when the Brunette suddenly sais:
- Look a dead bird!

Where as the blond stops to look up in the air:
- Where?!

--------------------------------------------------

Little William caught his father on his way to the bedrom with a condom in his hand.
Williamn who is a curious Little guy asked his father what he intended to do.
Embaressed he replied "I'm gonna chase butterflies"
"What are you gonna do when you Catch it William replied,
"Phuck it?!?"
Babyblue Teg 1988 5D
"http://s1344.photobucket.com/user/Miketakeahike/library/Acura"
If you are a Yank beware, the rest of the world uses the metric system ;)

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B18Ch1ck
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Joined: August 11th, 2007, 8:16 pm
Location: Virginia

Re: Joke Thread!

Postby B18Ch1ck » July 29th, 2013, 3:37 am

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

----------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
Anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 In about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

----------

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace Expensive... So, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...

----------

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing My curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is Proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

----------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
Kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
Drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
Hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think that a person could go on
Celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...

----------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
Order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...

----------

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel Horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
Compliment."
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....

----------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold
cream.

And then the fight started....

----------

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her Not as much as the dress that she had worn yesterday.
And then the fight started.....

----------

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....

----------

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
Grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a Torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband Is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...

----------

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....

----------

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started.
Former owner of a Quartz Silver 1987 LS, "Silver Slowness"
September 2008: G1Teg of the Month
May 2011: Car Pornography

https://www.facebook.com/AcuraIntegras

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Topic Author
B18Ch1ck
Posts: 16
Joined: August 11th, 2007, 8:16 pm
Location: Virginia

Re: Joke Thread!

Postby B18Ch1ck » November 10th, 2015, 12:09 am

wife: "can i get breast implants?"
me: "just push your tits into the sofa"
wife: "will that make them bigger?"
me: "worked for your ass, didn't it?"
Former owner of a Quartz Silver 1987 LS, "Silver Slowness"
September 2008: G1Teg of the Month
May 2011: Car Pornography

https://www.facebook.com/AcuraIntegras

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Miketakeahike
G1 n00b
Posts: 99
Joined: May 21st, 2013, 9:00 am
Location: Stockholm, Sweden

Re: Joke Thread!

Postby Miketakeahike » November 25th, 2015, 6:39 pm

This is directly translated from Swedish, grammar might be off :)

A blind man comes into a lumberyard in the small town and asks if he can talk to the foreman.
When the arrives, the blind man sais:
- Hi, I wonder if you have a job for me?
- But you are blind, then you can't work for me?
- Yes I can sais the man. I can recognize any type of lumber just by smelling it, and also tell you how big it is.
The foreman looks doubtful and sais he's gotta see it to believe it, så he fetches a 2 m birch board from a pile of planks and holds it up under the mans nose.
- Birch, 2 m long, he blind man instantly responds.
- Wow that wasn't half bad, sais the foreman and gets a piece of Oak, 8x8 Inches, from another pile and holds it up under the mans nose.
- Oak, 8x8 Inces, sais the man.
The foreman, by now very impressed by the blind man thinks he's gonna nail him anyway, so he asks his secretary to come down to them.
When she's standing there he whispers to her to get naked and stand infront of the blind man.
The blind man sniffs her up and down and then sais:
- This was a difficult one, can you turn the board around?
The Foreman turns the secretary around and the blind man takes a good sniff on the other side as well, and finally he sais:
- I'm not completely sure, but could it be a toilet door from a shrimp boat??!
Babyblue Teg 1988 5D
"http://s1344.photobucket.com/user/Miketakeahike/library/Acura"
If you are a Yank beware, the rest of the world uses the metric system ;)

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Ami
G1 n00b
Posts: 30
Joined: March 22nd, 2017, 3:37 pm
Location: Virginia

Re: Joke Thread!

Postby Ami » March 25th, 2017, 1:15 am

Here's a good one:

"I swear, I'm going to leave it stock..."

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Dan
G1 n00b
Posts: 6
Joined: April 1st, 2017, 2:41 am

Re: Joke Thread!

Postby Dan » April 3rd, 2017, 4:16 am

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’

And then the fight started…

******************************************

My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed.. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And then the fight started….

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

And that’s how the fight started…

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…. He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, “I AM NOT HAPPY!!!”

So, I looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?”

And then the fight started…..

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started…

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive…
so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started…

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’

And then the fight started….

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn’t been sober since.’

‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And then the fight started…

******************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

And then the fight started…

User avatar

Ami
G1 n00b
Posts: 30
Joined: March 22nd, 2017, 3:37 pm
Location: Virginia

Re: Joke Thread!

Postby Ami » April 3rd, 2017, 6:04 pm

Dan, your wife sounds quite unpleasant. :lol:
Image

Ami & Dan's 1987 LS Hatch *http://www.g1teg.org/viewtopic.php?p=9349*


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